MCN, After Dark

Oh, I love the holiday hours. I am usually a night owl, but burning up in retail hell is not what I would like to be doing till midnight. Especially since I have the whole Cavy turning back into a pumpkin problem and the Christmas shopping zombies might take offense to the Halloween display during this oh-so-holy season. Unfortunately, the Christmas zombies are drawn to the magic of the mall after hours. These are the zombies who have been "turned" for a very long time and are basically an unrecognizable shell of a human being. One even sprouted fur and feathers... or at least her boots, coat, and vest did. I'm sure PETA approved that outfit. It was more of a loss for the Muppets though since it appeared as if Animal gave his life so the girl could look, er, stylish in those boots.

I wish Animal would have survived his encounter with Cruella DeVille. He would have been a better conversationalist and quite possibly could have comprehended my explanation of the coupons and why the mall doors have to close when the mall does. Tonight I was so bombarded with the world's stupidest questions, I started to look around for the hidden camera tv crew to beg them to take me out of this hellhole (seriously, I will be coffee bitch for anyone). The mall door questions usually went something like this...

Idiot: Why is the door closed?

Me: Because the mall is closed.

Idiot: So we have to go outside to go shopping in the other stores?

Me: No. The other stores are closed.

Idiot: Well how do I get out?

Me: Through the outside doors.

Idiot: How do I get back into the mall?

Me: You knock three times. Three shall be the number of times you knock. No more, no less. The number of times you knock shall be three and the number of the knocking shall be three. Then you jump up and hold it for five seconds and Falcor will swoop down, carry you to the roof and then you have to take the stairs from there.

Or we have the panic stricken masses....

Moron: Am I going to be trapped in here?

Me: No. We don't want you to be trapped in here, the outside doors will still be open.

Moron: How do I get out into the mall?

Me: You can't. The door's closed.

Moron: So we're trapped.

Me: No. You can get outside.

Moron: How do I get to my car though?

Me: ...are you parked inside the mall?

(That one is almost verbatim)

Then we had the people who are very confused by coupons. Sometimes you can combine coupons and sometimes you can't. That's just how the world works. People do not seem to completely understand this and stare at me blankly when I try to explain it or whenever I feel like being nice and divide up coupons so they actually save more money.Then they start to ask me about the rules of the coupon... which, big shock, are actually printed on the coupon. Then, like the five year old they are in their mind, inevitably they start asking "Why?" "Well, how come?" Because Mr. Freaking Nickel raised from the dead and gave us the 10 commandments of coupons that were written by God himself and we must abide by these rules.

Seriously. Can't these people just go to a bar? But, then again, they don't seem to have the brain cells to spare.