Dance of the Sugar Plum Customer

Today, one of my worst Christmas nightmares came true. And I don't mean the axe-murdering Santa Claus from Tales from the Crypt. No, this creature was much, much worse. I saw it out of the corner of my eye while waiting on a customer. I was too scared to look directly at it, not sure if I would scare it, embarrass it, or just encourage it. I took customer after customer and it just kept getting closer and closer till it was finally at my register. To my absolute horror, it did not quantum lock when I looked at it and continued on its terrifying dance. Yes, dance. As in of the sugar plump (not a typo, she was on the larger side) fairy. A customer was dancing to Christmas music right in front of me. And encouraging me to join her, exclaiming, "How could you not dance to this all day?" Aw, well, I used to, but I broke myself doing the fork in the garbage disposal and now they make me wear cement shoes.

A few hours later, what I thought to be a kindred spirit came to my register. "I hate this music," she stated. My day immediately brightened, finally, a fellow Ebenezer to share my cynicism. "I know," I replied, "Me too. I can't wait till January." The customer's eyes narrowed into a seething glare, "No," she snarled, "I don't like this kind of Christmas music." Yes, techno club remixes of "Rudolph" are somewhat strange, but I will hold my ground with N'Sync's Christmas album being a classic. It's bad when you're praying for N'Sync to come blaring through the store speakers. I even hear Justin Beiber has a new Christmas album. Giving customers Beiber fever is a risk I would be willing to take. At least it would be a little more upbeat than Satan's children singing a round of the top ten most depressing Christmas songs followed by Josh Groban hitting my brain like a tranquilizer dart telling it to "sleeeeep, sleeeeeeep" while all the cougars in the store begin swooning. I would like to personally put out a hit on this man for aiding the torture of MC Nickels associates. However, if you do find him, bring him to me first so I can use my Josh Groban pick up line, (said in my sultry, seductive voice only slightly reminiscent of a drag queen,) "Hey, Josh Groban, I'll raise you up."... wink.