Have Yourself a Very Ugly Christmas- Part 2: Attack of the Christmas Music

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the princess of why the hell are we open till midnight?

Holiday hours are in full swing and I've had far too much time to be alone with the holiday tunes. Yes, alone as in not a customer in sight and tumbleweeds made of fallen sequins and dust bunnies because who in their right mind would be interested in shopping at the hellhole after 10 pm... it's scary enough in the daytime. Since there are no crickets to emphasize how alone the associates actually are after dark, the cheery holiday music seems to amplify and I've had far too much time to think about their true meaning. The dark truth is they're not so cheery after all. A customer told me that "Baby, It's Cold Outside" (which the store plays at least 20 times a day) is her favorite Christmas song. First, nowhere in this tune does it state that it is Christmas, it is simply "cold outside." The song could be set in the Twilight Zone where the earth is moving out of its orbit and away from the sun for all the listener knows. Second, is it me or is there the implication of date rape in this merry winter melody? Nothing spells Christmas like roofinol in your eggnog.

I'd have to say one of my favorite Christmas songs is the one where the kids build a human effigy out of snow and it comes to life with the help of a magical top hat. Then they begin to wreak havoc and terrify the town. Sign me up to work on that horror movie. Oh it's a children's cartoon? You're shitting me. Does no one else see the terror in this except for the creators of Jack Frost (the horror movie)? Bottom line is snow should not be sentient unless it is channeling Michael Keaton.