All I want for Christmas is for this girl to put on some pants.

So the real children of the corn have only made personal appearances in the store a few times this holiday season... mostly they're just over the speaker system- like the disembodied whispers on Lost... except much creepier. I suppose the threat of a fat man in a red suit handing out coal instead of toys is enough for any child to be good for at least one month. Except I was just terrified that a strange man was breaking into my house and leaving toys. There had to be some sort of catch. I always wanted to roofie the cookies and milk so I could ask him what his deal was, but my mom would never let me. My theory was that each Christmas he would steal a piece of the children's souls, which is what caused them to grow up. Then I realized that not every religion believes in Santa Claus and life just sucks. I once again wondered why I could not have been born Jewish and been saved from the Christmas intruder (And I would be in the film industry already). I find the Krampus much more reassuring- at least he doesn't put on a cheery facade while being filled with an evil chocolatey nougat on the inside.

(Now THAT is some Christmas spirit)

Anyway, most of the normally evil midget minions of the Dark Side are peculiarly well behaved... except for the children who were trying to molest a mannequin last night right before close, but I blame the parents for that one- have the damn kids home before 9:00. The upcoming Christmas holiday is for the children- they are still innocent enough to enjoy it and don't realize that they're parents had to knock someone out to get them the toys underneath the tree. That's why I was so aghast when a young mother looked at her baby (who was probably celebrating his first Christmas) and said "God, Taylor, they're playing Christmas music, let's shoot ourselves." Granted, he probably didn't understand what she said and the cheery melodies were being sung by Satan's children... in the beginning of November. But shouldn't she be excited for this milestone in her baby's life? And most mothers that I know (including my own) would never dream of saying the word "shoot" around their children, except in substitution of "shit," let alone direct it at them. That's one of the few times that I could have actually hit a customer who didn't say something directed at me...

Speaking of hitting, one of the first customers I've had was hitting the all you can eat buffet a little too hard. (Awesome segue, right?) As soon as we opened, a rather irate rotund girl in a tunic shirt and no pants or leggings (NO PANTS. NOTHING TO COVER UP THE COTTAGE CHEESE LEGS) waddled up to the counter. OK, maybe not that big, but she was no ballet dancer... unless she was an understudy for the dancing hippos in Fantasia. That may sound harsh, but she was a bitch and a dumbass. Normally I love fat people, I even like to consider myself one of them. Skinny people scare me. I don't like skeletons, we have skin and fat for a reason- cover up your damn bones. Like I was saying, the girl was a bitch and she gave me attitude when she asked for the location of leggings, which she clearly needed. Then, in about five minutes she walked back up to the counter, threw them down in a huff and basically said she went to work in the morning and got told to go buy pants or leggings because her dress was too short. No shit, Sherlock, it was actually a shirt. A shirt that skinny people shouldn't even try to get away with as a dress. My rule is if it jiggles, cover it up and the girl was a whole new kind of Jello Jiggler herself. She bought the leggings and left her giant ass (how fitting) Starbucks cup tipped over in the fitting room when she changed into them and then basically ran back out to the mall... it was probably the most exercise she had in awhile.