The Jury Duty that Wasn't

Thank you, Westmoreland County Courthouse for realizing that anything that happens on Leap Day doesn't count. No, I wasn't caught stalking in attempts for employment and put on trial by jury. I was supposed to be the jury. Well, one of them at least. About a month ago I got the dreaded jury summons in the mail. I had already gotten out of it twice before. Once by actually having a class on the day of the summons (I think they would have revoked that excuse if they learned said class was on horror films) and the other time by saying I was moving to Allegheny county. Well, they found me in Allegheny county. There was no getting out of it this time, especially if I wanted to file my slightly cheaper taxes under my parents address.

If it weren't for the fact it was on a holiday that only occurs once every four years, I'd be a little more excited. I did not want to actually get picked for the jury seeing as how I had to sit through 12 Angry Men several times in several different schools. I feel as thought that is enough experience with jury deliberation. I merely wanted to go in and let my crazy flag fly. As an avid watcher of 30 Rock, I decided to take a page out of Liz Lemon who got excused from jury duty for seeming too crazy... I don't see why, she just showed up as Princess Leia with a stack of 1970s Playboys. I didn't want to be a copycat, especially since the only Princess Leia outfit I have is the slave girl one and I was afraid it'd be viewed as public indecency and no one wants to see that (j/k, j/k). However, I did come up with a few ways to out crazy my civic obligation:

-State "Well, I don't have any officers of the law in my family, but I am related to a select few who are ABOVE the law" *wink* "Also, my mom thinks we're related to Jaromir Jagr and the Pope"

-Dress in Victorian garb, ask for a parking permit for the Tardis.

- My religious views will be "I just kinda go with whatever Lost tried to convey in the rather disappointing series finale... which I'm still trying to figure out"

-Political views- "Ron Swanson," which will also be the back up answer for everything else.

- Sing the praises of vigilantism, particularly the masked variety, while wondering why there aren't more Batmans running around.... ease into claiming to be Batman.

- Fill out the date as 1999, when questioned exclaim, "I always party like it's 1999, biatches!"

-Check a lightsaber at the door.

- Quote "My Cousin Vinny" at every opportunity, claim that film taught me everything about the law I ever need to know.

However, the court must have taken a page out of 30 Rock and realized that real life is for March and excused all the jurors who were called. It's a Leap Day miracle!

Twas the Night of Valentine's Day... aka "Half off Candy Eve"

'Twas the night of Valentine's Day, when all through the house

Not a single girl was bitching, about not having a spouse

The kitchen was clean, the cupboards were bare

In hopes half off candy soon would be there

All the single ladies were nestled snug in their beds

While visions of cheap sweets danced in their heads

And I in my PJs, my dog in my lap

Had just settled down for a film filled with sap

When down the street, there came a great noise

I had to stop thinking of such a silly thing as boys

Out the door, I ran like the Flash

With only a pocketful of change, very little cash

The red bullseye gave off such an inviting glow

Illuminating the automatic doors that were right below

I entered the store and what did I hear

The sound of a markdown gun ringing loud and clear

A man in a diaper, looking very stupid

I knew that moment, he must be Cupid

He spoke not a word, continued his work

Marking the candy half off, just like the stock clerk

His eyes how they twinkled! He moved with such grace!

His cheeks were so rosy... just not the ones on his face

On his back he carried an arrow and bow

He shot a man in Reno, to prove they weren't just for show

I thought his sudden appearance to be quite queer

But that's OK, he gave me a 3 Musketeer

He put down the candy, his wings began to flap

I tried to get the store to start a slow clap

But I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,

"Happy half off candy day to all and to all a good night!"

Movin' on up...stairs

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! I am finally away from the women's department. If only I could say I escaped from the hell hole, but at least I will be away from the majority of women customers and their small talk and stupid questions and stupid comments and stupid life stories and their... stupidity. So I might be a little sexist against my own sex, but really? Who doesn't hate women once in awhile? Plus, they're the ones who offend me first...most of the time.

Starting tomorrow I will be working in the mens department. So toothless men and ESL folks, come on up! Bring it on because I've come up with a pretty good plan for when they try to hit on me. I am picking out a mannequin, naming him Carlos, and he will be my "lover." Hey, the lady mannequins seemed to like me. The only way this won't work is if "Polamalu's cousin" makes another appearance. I think he could out crazy me anytime.

I did something I don't normally do- I actually did work at the hell hole... and violated a bunch of mannequins while I was at it. No, really, I'm pretty sure I've become a registered mannequin offender so I have to go store to store to inform other clerks I'm in the mall.

For the past glorious month, I've been away from the register and away from customers, but unfortunately not away from stupidity. One lady looked me in the eye and told me she didn't know how to use an iron. I guess you can't have it all. In exchange for this escape, I basically had to do manual labor. Thanks to the new head honcho, a giant change was implemented in every store where we had to move everything around...including changing the mannequins- which somehow became my job. I shouldn't say "change the mannequins" because that would imply they were already clothed, but not these ones. Oh, no, they were all going commando. I walked in to work the one day to a whole army of plastic naked people. Women were appalled and began screaming at the sight. Children were covering their eyes and crying. Men were... well, the men kind of liked it. Especially when I had to dress the voluptuous plaster ladies and always ended up touching them inappropriately. But I'll get to that later. Customers were complaining for the two days of our little still life striptease... especially since we have a few mannequins who are slightly more anatomically correct than others. I began telling them it was a political statement and/or an art project.

These mannequins were my friends for two long, oh so sexy nights. I didn't even get a chance to buy them dinner before spreading their legs and...well, putting pants on them. I wish I did so then maybe I wouldn't have had to touch an inanimate nude human form till after the store closed. But, no, I had to start at the very front of the store... right in front of the men on the benches waiting for their wives. Boy, were they friendly. And, boy, did they not understand the concept of personal space... or at least mannequin changing space. See, the mannequins have magnetized limbs that can sometimes be difficult to take apart in order to dress them. My old man friend who decided to walk up and ask a bunch of silly questions could not comprehend this... so a mannequin arm came within inches of his face. This finally caused him to turn tail and head back to his bench...w here he still continued to watch intently. Well, at least the mannequin wasn't Kim Cattrall...