Now, you know your life is sad when the highlights of your day consist of finding a Hannah Montana keychain and getting to use a magic eraser at work. Whatever. All the hep cats like my girl Miley and magic erasers are well... Magical. It's thoroughly life changing. All the cleaning solutions are in the sponge- all you need is a small amount of water. Which makes the first scenario I encountered today all the more idiotic. I was scrubbing down fixtures with the mystical sponge when a woman walked up beside me and claimed I left the bucket of bleach I was using in the middle of the aisle and she got it all over her pants. One- the container was in the center of a slightly raised platform that was nearly impossible to walk on...unless she was the incredible shrinking woman. Which brings me to point two- it was a gladware container. So this woman must not only possess a shrink ray, but is also a direct descendant of Jesus and hasn't quite gotten the whole water into wine thing down and turns it into bleach instead.
Then after this woman left I felt another tap on my shoulder. This time I turned around and found a little lady in a baseball cap and (I kid you not) a fanny pack. After all my 90s timetraveller theories went through my head and I choked back the urge to quote Bill and/or Ted I asked if I could be of any assistance to her. She paused and then asked me "What would happen if I made an announcement and made every single person here not purchase anything unless it was made in America?" Yup, this is what I need to celebrate the end of those goddamn election commercials. "Well," I said, "it would be counterproducrive because people would stop buying stuff then you would be putting a lot of Americans out of a job. Not a good one, but it would be better than the sweatshops that the illegal immigrants would enjoy working at if these clothes were made in America. Oh and the clothes would be a lot more expensive. So rant about Americans getting their dream factory job, but it's not goigng to happen. Ps. I didn't vote because politicians are mean and if they can't say something nice they shouldn't say anything at all..." so maybe it wasn't all that and more like "uh huh" and a "hmmm " noise, but I did listen to her rant with my people's eyebrow proudly raised until she finally shut up and I said if I ever ran for office I'd take this into consideration.
Now, I understand and respect people's opinions....no I don't, but please don't say your opinion to someone who truly does not give a shit and cannot change anything you are bitching about. It will force me to make fun of you. Look at that, maybe I could be a politician. My running mate will be Hannah Montana (which will be me in a blonde wig, of course)
PS. Not to get political and have to reiterate what I have been saying for DAYS, but... If you say anything on here about me not voting, I will mock you. It is my right to vote and it is also my right to refuse it. If I really don't like any of the candidates, I don't think I should have to choose the lesser of two evils. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a limo out front and the hottest styles, every shoe, every color so I gots to go rock out the show.
Love and 1990s John Stamos' Mullet,
Jen
No comments:
Post a Comment