Tom Cruise makes it seems so easy for the slightly more aged folk among us to maneuver in motorized wheelchairs. What Mr. Jerry Maguire didn't think of is that these elderly speed racers really put the pedal to the metal instead of doing fancy choreographed turns in wide open spaces. These geriatric speed demons must think their in a Nascar race to the grave... or the early bird special... or, my favorite, they just like to play mall walker bowling. Several times we have had senior citizens race through the store on these motorized wheelchairs of doom... and we need to set up a speed trap to catch these senior speeders. The other day (I unfortunately did not witness this) a woman came racing through the store on her motorized scooter, of course, made the corner a little too wide and knocked over a mannequin that was SITTING ON A PLATFORM. The little speed demon didn't even flinch as she raced away from the scene of the crime. We can not let hit and runs like this happen anymore. Innocent mannequins are being taken out one by one because they do not have to take a driver's test to use the hoveround. Once they are able to do fancy synchronized... er, hovering? then they can have the key to their little race car.
There was another incident over the summer when Gretchen Wilson was signing autographs in front of the store. A rather flamboyantly dressed lady came through sporting a visor, a brightly colored shirt and reflective pants just in case she decided to take the scooter out on the road at night. Oh, and a fanny pack and a small dog in a dress to complete the ensemble. A dog. In a dress. In the mall. I felt very bad for the dog not only because it was wearing a dress, but because he had to run to keep up with Speed Racer. I'm actually quite surprised that he didn't get run over.
Speaking of dogs and clothing- they can also help you decide which sweater to buy. Or at least Paris Hilton could. The nonhuman Paris Hilton. Well, the dog Paris Hilton... I suppose I should be more specific- the one who can't speak.... I guess that describes the person-ish one too, but the Paris Hilton I met looked more like this:
Complete with sweater. And, once again, this dog was in the mall. Being held by its owner, who was asking what it thought about sweaters. I really wish we can have just one camera at the register to take pictures of some of the people that come through that store. Like the man on the segway. Or the woman that walks through with her dogs in a baby carriage. Or the elderly speed demons... but we'd need a pretty good camera to be able to get a clear photo of them.
You had someone come in on a segway!?!
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