The Mother's Day Prank that Wasn't

On this hallowed eve of the celebration of mothers, I can't help but feel a small space in my heart for the amazing Mother's Day I could have given my mom. For while other more disgruntled spawn go out shopping trying to find their old lady a new top or flowers or some small knick knack to gather dust, I try to find something more along the lines of "Serves you right for picking me as a daughter." Maybe it's still a bit of the post-April fools hangover, but I think Mama Leonard needs a bit of a reminder that for God knows what reason, she raised me to turn out this way- a cynical, self-depricating, yet narcissistic fool. I had the perfect plan too...

I cannot fathom why this woman would tell me or my dad anything because it turns into an endless stream of mocking. As I have mentioned before, she is working on getting Sid the Kid to file a restraining order against her (now she has also a shine to his partner in crime, Evgeni Malkin. Lord knows when this will end). Originally I had a plan of giving her the clearance heart shaped box of Godiva chocolate I snagged as a part of the Valentine's day clearance. But I thought it's kinda weird to give someone a heart shaped anything after Valentine's Day...unless it somehow involved Nirvana. So I was going to scratch the idea. Then, as if it were somehow planted there, the perfect plan came to me in a dream. I could forge Mr. Crosby's signature on the box and say that through some twist of fate I found him when my father and I were at the Pen's game and I just happened to have the chocolate with me. I knew my dad would go along with it and my mom still believes "gullible" is written on almost every ceiling in America. Then, just like the real Inception, we had to take the plan deeper...

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

So I was hoping and praying that the Pens at least continued to the next round of the playoffs so I could pull of this little stunt. I was going to invite my mom to Pittsburgh to go out to dinner and try to find a Sidney Crosby look alike to just happen to be in the same restaurant. Really, all I would have to do is get a black Pens cap, throw it in some salt water and leave it in the sun for a few days and make some guy of about the same stature wear it. She would never know the difference. Or I suppose I could have asked the real Sid. He was out of work for awhile, I'm sure he would have enjoyed the extra 20 bucks and dinner in the fanciest lower middle class restaurant in town. Unfortunately, and I blame MC Nickels for not supporting my boys in their playoff run, the Pens did not make it past the first round so this little prank would not have worked so well. And why do I blame MC Nickels? Because some genius ordered too many Steeler AFC Champions shirts and they ended up selling for $1.97 so no Pens shirts unless they actually won the Cup. Somehow it always goes back to the hell hole for ruining my life... and that one special day dedicated to the woman who gave me the gift of life. Way to go, poopyheads.

PS. Christopher Nolan, see how I gave Inception like crazy mad props in this entry? I bet I got about 3 or 4 people add it their Netflix queue. I think that earns me a position on The Dark Knight Rises when it comes to the Burgh. Oh. And please disregard I used the term "poopyheads."