The Jury Duty that Wasn't

Thank you, Westmoreland County Courthouse for realizing that anything that happens on Leap Day doesn't count. No, I wasn't caught stalking in attempts for employment and put on trial by jury. I was supposed to be the jury. Well, one of them at least. About a month ago I got the dreaded jury summons in the mail. I had already gotten out of it twice before. Once by actually having a class on the day of the summons (I think they would have revoked that excuse if they learned said class was on horror films) and the other time by saying I was moving to Allegheny county. Well, they found me in Allegheny county. There was no getting out of it this time, especially if I wanted to file my slightly cheaper taxes under my parents address.

If it weren't for the fact it was on a holiday that only occurs once every four years, I'd be a little more excited. I did not want to actually get picked for the jury seeing as how I had to sit through 12 Angry Men several times in several different schools. I feel as thought that is enough experience with jury deliberation. I merely wanted to go in and let my crazy flag fly. As an avid watcher of 30 Rock, I decided to take a page out of Liz Lemon who got excused from jury duty for seeming too crazy... I don't see why, she just showed up as Princess Leia with a stack of 1970s Playboys. I didn't want to be a copycat, especially since the only Princess Leia outfit I have is the slave girl one and I was afraid it'd be viewed as public indecency and no one wants to see that (j/k, j/k). However, I did come up with a few ways to out crazy my civic obligation:

-State "Well, I don't have any officers of the law in my family, but I am related to a select few who are ABOVE the law" *wink* "Also, my mom thinks we're related to Jaromir Jagr and the Pope"

-Dress in Victorian garb, ask for a parking permit for the Tardis.

- My religious views will be "I just kinda go with whatever Lost tried to convey in the rather disappointing series finale... which I'm still trying to figure out"

-Political views- "Ron Swanson," which will also be the back up answer for everything else.

- Sing the praises of vigilantism, particularly the masked variety, while wondering why there aren't more Batmans running around.... ease into claiming to be Batman.

- Fill out the date as 1999, when questioned exclaim, "I always party like it's 1999, biatches!"

-Check a lightsaber at the door.

- Quote "My Cousin Vinny" at every opportunity, claim that film taught me everything about the law I ever need to know.

However, the court must have taken a page out of 30 Rock and realized that real life is for March and excused all the jurors who were called. It's a Leap Day miracle!

Twas the Night of Valentine's Day... aka "Half off Candy Eve"

'Twas the night of Valentine's Day, when all through the house

Not a single girl was bitching, about not having a spouse

The kitchen was clean, the cupboards were bare

In hopes half off candy soon would be there

All the single ladies were nestled snug in their beds

While visions of cheap sweets danced in their heads

And I in my PJs, my dog in my lap

Had just settled down for a film filled with sap

When down the street, there came a great noise

I had to stop thinking of such a silly thing as boys

Out the door, I ran like the Flash

With only a pocketful of change, very little cash

The red bullseye gave off such an inviting glow

Illuminating the automatic doors that were right below

I entered the store and what did I hear

The sound of a markdown gun ringing loud and clear

A man in a diaper, looking very stupid

I knew that moment, he must be Cupid

He spoke not a word, continued his work

Marking the candy half off, just like the stock clerk

His eyes how they twinkled! He moved with such grace!

His cheeks were so rosy... just not the ones on his face

On his back he carried an arrow and bow

He shot a man in Reno, to prove they weren't just for show

I thought his sudden appearance to be quite queer

But that's OK, he gave me a 3 Musketeer

He put down the candy, his wings began to flap

I tried to get the store to start a slow clap

But I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,

"Happy half off candy day to all and to all a good night!"

Movin' on up...stairs

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! I am finally away from the women's department. If only I could say I escaped from the hell hole, but at least I will be away from the majority of women customers and their small talk and stupid questions and stupid comments and stupid life stories and their... stupidity. So I might be a little sexist against my own sex, but really? Who doesn't hate women once in awhile? Plus, they're the ones who offend me first...most of the time.

Starting tomorrow I will be working in the mens department. So toothless men and ESL folks, come on up! Bring it on because I've come up with a pretty good plan for when they try to hit on me. I am picking out a mannequin, naming him Carlos, and he will be my "lover." Hey, the lady mannequins seemed to like me. The only way this won't work is if "Polamalu's cousin" makes another appearance. I think he could out crazy me anytime.

I did something I don't normally do- I actually did work at the hell hole... and violated a bunch of mannequins while I was at it. No, really, I'm pretty sure I've become a registered mannequin offender so I have to go store to store to inform other clerks I'm in the mall.

For the past glorious month, I've been away from the register and away from customers, but unfortunately not away from stupidity. One lady looked me in the eye and told me she didn't know how to use an iron. I guess you can't have it all. In exchange for this escape, I basically had to do manual labor. Thanks to the new head honcho, a giant change was implemented in every store where we had to move everything around...including changing the mannequins- which somehow became my job. I shouldn't say "change the mannequins" because that would imply they were already clothed, but not these ones. Oh, no, they were all going commando. I walked in to work the one day to a whole army of plastic naked people. Women were appalled and began screaming at the sight. Children were covering their eyes and crying. Men were... well, the men kind of liked it. Especially when I had to dress the voluptuous plaster ladies and always ended up touching them inappropriately. But I'll get to that later. Customers were complaining for the two days of our little still life striptease... especially since we have a few mannequins who are slightly more anatomically correct than others. I began telling them it was a political statement and/or an art project.

These mannequins were my friends for two long, oh so sexy nights. I didn't even get a chance to buy them dinner before spreading their legs and...well, putting pants on them. I wish I did so then maybe I wouldn't have had to touch an inanimate nude human form till after the store closed. But, no, I had to start at the very front of the store... right in front of the men on the benches waiting for their wives. Boy, were they friendly. And, boy, did they not understand the concept of personal space... or at least mannequin changing space. See, the mannequins have magnetized limbs that can sometimes be difficult to take apart in order to dress them. My old man friend who decided to walk up and ask a bunch of silly questions could not comprehend this... so a mannequin arm came within inches of his face. This finally caused him to turn tail and head back to his bench...w here he still continued to watch intently. Well, at least the mannequin wasn't Kim Cattrall...

On a mission from God since 1992

Catholic guilt. Parental guilt. Wonder twin powers activate! Form of me going church for 3 weeks in a row... and it's not even Christmas. Or Easter.

I went home again this weekend for several reasons. One, I was off... again. It was amazing. Two, my parents have better cable and a warmer house... stocked with food. Three, I had to go home to see that special someone... who is covered in fur. My parents go to church every week. I wouldn't necessarily say they're devout, more like riddled with Catholic guilt and fear of the nuns. And thanks to this same Catholic guilt and fear of nuns with parental guilt as a cherry on top, I end up going to church every Saturday night I'm home. It's not that I'm not religious, I honestly don't know what I am. When it comes to religion, I just assume that Lost got it right and go with that. It's just I have a fear of being struck by lightning every time I step on hallowed ground... or turned to stone. I saw Hocus Pocus, I know it could happen.

I wouldn't say I'm a bad person, per se.... I just say bad things sometimes... that might offend people. A lot of people. But, I mean, the Justice League of the Hereafter has to have a sense of humor, right? Look at my life- if it's not pure knee-slapping good time for some omniscient being, I don't know what is. And my second point... the platypus. Anyway, the inside of a church while mass is going on is not the best place for me, especially since they changed the words to the same old mass that I've been going to since they dunked me in a bucket of water and called me a Catholic. I don't deal with change well, I still say a lot of the old words. Then realize I say the old words. Then say a word that would have gotten my wrist taken clean off had a nun heard me say it in grade school. Hopefully I at least get points for trying?

Then there's the snack time near the end of mass. I actually like the communion wafer. I think they would be able to market them as a healthy and holy breakfast food. Seriously. Instead of people seeing the image of Jesus in a piece of toast, Jesus would BE the toast. However, sometimes they let the wafers sit out for awhile and they go a bit stale... and then it's somewhat difficult to hide my distaste for them. I would say it's still a step up from when I was a kid and truly believed that it WAS the body of Christ... as in cannibalism on the holiest of scales. It makes sense considering I wasn't the best student in religion class. I couldn't remember the authors of the Gospels, but for some reason "John, Paul, George, and Ringo" stuck out in my mind. I got the answer wrong. And I got to see the nun after class. The same nun who caught me outside of class when I wasn't supposed to be and I told her I was, "On a mission from God." The Blues Brothers was my favorite movie... in kindergarten.

Well, hopefully this didn't offend anyone too much. The ever-powerful "they" say never to talk about religion or politics. I guess I didn't mention politics.... so here you are!

(Oh, most of the political stuff is actually posted by the morons on the comments section.)

Slush Road Cavy

Since I have been on the super secret team at the hell hole recently, I haven't had much to say other than complaining about all the hush-hush projects I've had to endure...but can't speak openly about. I'm like a retail James Bond with ninja skills... except not as cool. Not nearly as cool. Alas, that's about all I'm allowed to say... you never know, there are secret agents from Kohls everywhere. The saddest part is, it's all true. We were bound to secrecy in fear our competitors might overhear and steal this ridiculous new strategy. When customers ask me what's going on, I reply, "We're trying a new strategy we learned from Montgomery Wards and Lazarus." Some of them will accept this answer, but others will look perplexed and reply, "But those stores are closed." To which, I just nod and give and emphatic, "Exactly." However, I will still roam around the store humming "Secret Agent Man"... or the theme from the Pink Panther.

Since my job is now under-wraps, I shall divulge all the juicy details of my weekend... that's

right, weekend. I had a real one this time. Like most normal people, I got off of work at 5:00pm on Friday and didn't have to be back till 9:00am Monday. It was a glorious sensation. I felt alive. I felt renewed. I finally knew what Loverboy was talking about... I could just hear that cowbell. Since everyone was watching to see what I would do, I felt the pressure to get it right... get it right. I wanted to go somewhere and do something spontaneous, but a midnight train going anywhere just seemed dangerous. So I hopped in my I-wish-I-could-still-call-him-trusty Cavy and headed for Latrobe where at least I would be fed...aaaand cue the snow. Most people would turn back, but, oh no, I had a grumble in my tummy and a nice warm house on my mind. A major section of the commute was not bad... until we got to the dark lands where the Penn Dot workers really take out some anger issues on unsuspecting drivers. I'm pretty sure they added snow to the road. Either that or I took a wrong turn and ended up on Ice Road Truckers. Hey, maybe I could have my own show- Slush Road Cavy.

Eventually my earning-back-my-trust Cavy and I did make it home and were handsomely rewarded with a warm house (and a garage), food, and gifts aplenty.... even though the gifts aplenty are going to put me on Hoarders one day. My mom finds deals. She likes coupons. She likes clearance items. Even if these items are already stockpiled in the house or we don't actually need. Case in point- my mom handed me two bags of pinecones. Yes, pinecones. Apparently they were on sale. I don't know if she got swindled by a squirrel, but last time I checked, pinecones were free as long as you found the right tree. So now I have two bags of pinecones sitting on my living room couch. Oh well, I guess I'll keep them. Maybe they can decorate the library in my Scottish castle.

True Life: I'm a Disney Princess

Once upon a time, in a far away land of the black and gold, there lived a young lass who dreamed of a world outside of this kingdom made of steel. A world where she no longer had to fold clothes or scrounge for change to buy a few measly pieces of bread and a large sweet tea with way too much ice in it. A world where she could create art and be content. Then, one day, she heard the opening notes of Aha's "Take on Me" and was magically transported into an animated world with talking animals, dragons, and magic. This land was ruled by an evil Raven queen and her equally evil dragon flyer, Phil. Our young heroine swiftly defeated this dastardly duo with the help of a magical pierogie. Her heroics and sassy wit entranced the young prince, whom she saved from his imprisonment by the evil queen in a field of jaggerbushes. This handsome Scottish prince lead her to a castle, where he already had an enormous library filled with every book imaginable (no nooks or kindles here) and a theater where they could watch moving pictures together and even a studio where she could make her own movies for the entire land to enjoy. And they lived happily ever after.

...or at least that's how I thought my life was going to be like when I was finally that magical "Disney princess age" (between 16 and 20). I was convinced as a child that I was, in fact, a cartoon character. It all started when I was about 4 and I thought I was Cinderella. Completely, 100% convinced I was Cinderella. It didn't help that my mother sat a bucket of water in front of me and I was content cleaning the floors as long as the water was bubbly enough, I had a kerchief in my hair and a song in my heart, which, of course, I would sing aloud. So I became that kid who would walk around singing and talking to birds and mice, waiting for my fairy godmother or my Halloween pumpkin to turn into a coach.

Of course, a few years later, I realized how silly this was. I wasn't Cinderella. I was Ariel. During my swimming lessons, I could stay afloat and propel my body in a forward motion... I just didn't want to kick my legs. I had a fin, you know, I had to move them together. I failed swimming lessons miserably. However, I like to think that if I ever actually need to be able to swim to survive, the sea creatures will save me thanks to my bond with them due to my time as a mermaid.

Then I grew up a little more and realized that Ariel was a little too flighty for me. And really? Giving up everything, including her voice and family for a man she doesn't even know? Who

does that? No, I needed to be a little more level headed. Still independent, intelligent, but with strong family ties. That's when I met Belle and I was convinced she was my animated doppleganger. I learned how to read and walk at the same time thanks to the library that was located inside the local supermarket... it made grocery shopping with my mother bearable. I already loved to read, but I really threw myself into it. I'm pretty sure that I was the only child who actually got yelled at for reading too much. But some of my best friends were in these books. And I could travel to so many places before I was even able to drive. I'm not sure if I ever got out of my "Belle" phase. It might even be the premise for my "Hoarders" episode. I can see it now, the cameras enter the house to stacks and stacks of books. A small voice is heard from behind one of the piles, "No! You can't take these! They're for my Beauty and the Beast Scottish Castle...What do you mean this candlestick isn't talking?"