Bite Me. (Haha. I made a vampire funny)

So sometimes interesting and exciting things can happen when you work in a giant ass mall right near an airport (for an easy escape route). Unfortunately, the perfect mall robbery/ escape to another country via plane waiting on the runway did not happen and today as mundane as the rest... unless you are a Twilight fan. And I mean a die-hard Twilight fan, even swooning over supporting characters. Peter Facinelli, the man who plays the vampire doctor in the Twlight series visited his adoring underage (and middle age) fans right outside my unfortunate place of employment. I couldn't see all of what was going on, but I could hear screaming and then a couple times girls walked off the stage crying. So I'm guessing he was beating them? Either that or the girls were actually screaming/ crying from excitement from seeing this vampire doc. I decided that they deserved to be punished for this display of idiocy and continuously questioned fellow employees about the "Twilight Saga" in front of the obsessed fans. For example...

why is there a doctor vampire? Vampires are undead, therefore don't really need doctors. Oh. He's a human doctor? Isn't that like having an alcoholic be a bartender? I would not trust a vampire as a doctor. Especially if I can only visit him at night? What?! He can come out during the day? And sparkles? That's not gay. I prefer to go with the original Dracula myth and pretty much everything else dealing with vampires and say they burn up in sunlight. The only thing that can save that sparkly rubbish is if David Bowie left a glitter trail behind on his visit to Switzerland. The story's set in Oregon? Then what is "Team Switzerland?" The people who want this Bella chick to grow a pair and stop being such and emo little bitch who's into necrophilia and bestiality? Speaking of bestiality, does the werewolf need a doctor or a vet? Or both? He might have heartworms, he should get that checked out.

I could continue the rant (like how she stole my Wolverine baby idea basically), but I shall digress and hopefully not be hunted down by some crazed Twilight fan.

After all the excitement died down (I was disappointed no punches were thrown), I started aimlessly wandering, minding my own business when a wine colored Anna Nicole Smith hobbit walked up to me and asked for my help. She needed my help deciding "Is this, like totally cute or what?" And continued to hold me hostage as her shopping buddy while her elderly mother waited at the desk. I've seen several episodes of "My Super Sweet Sixteen" on MTV, but this was more like "My Spoiled Rotten, Don't Know How to Take Care of Myself Thirty Four." Still, I used the whining sixteen year olds as an example of how to deal with the whiny, possibly on cocaine (or TrimSpa) hobbit. Seriously. This little round woman was dressed in an all burgundy outfit, about 5 feet tall, but her platinum blonde hair added on about 3 inches so I was eye level with the top of her head as she pulled me in every direction around the store trying to find the most "adorable" pieces of clothing in the smallest size one of her thighs could fit in. I finally escaped when she carried her own weight in clothes to into the fitting room to try on. Then I found out the best news of the evening- this woman's a regular. I can't say this enough- Fuck. My. Life.



Retarded Starbucks drinks they made a fortune off of.