Fruit Wars Episode 1: The High Fashion Menace

A long time ago, in a department store far, far away... Well...er, this weekend, the little piggies of Pittsburgh didn't go to market, nor did they stay at home. I'm sure that some of them may have had roast beef, but others opted out. But they did cry "whee, whee, whee" while they were trashing the department store I work at. So I didn't have time to contemplate the many mysteries and complexities of life like I usually do. Instead, I planted my feet firmly in front of the register and listened to the soothing sounds of the cast of Glee butchering popular songs (Yup, my own personal hell got slightly worse) and the customers exclaiming their disbelief at how many people had the exact same idea they did in coming to the mall on a Saturday. What a novel idea. Luckily, I only had a 4 hour shift that day, but thanks to the cost of gas, I decided to stretch it out a bit so it was worth the drive. Plus, it was sort of an endurance test to see how long I could last with the crowds of people.... especially since the store is delving into new, unexplored territory.

That's right, my middle-end department store is boldly going where Macys, Saks, Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdales... have gone before. Into the expansive, little known realm of high fashion... which they liken to H&M and Forever 21. Except they like to make it a little fruitier and much more idiotic.

The black tarp of doom that was hanging over the misses department finally came down and the new clothing line was launched. This was both a good thing and a bad thing. A good thing because the customers will stop asking stupid questions about it and a bad thing because it acted like a black hole the customers went past and never came back, but now they can find my register. Now, this new line, let's call it "Pineapple," (Sadly, the name is not far off from the real one) is priced at about $30-$50 for a shirt and over $100 for a dress. I have shopped at both Forever 21 and H&M and if I saw that price tag, I would think Ashton Kutcher decided it would be more fun to "punk" normal people whose life is already a joke. Also, I think the clothes might actually be made for Barbie dolls because I know only about a handful of people that could actually fit in them. I'll be keeping a log of updates on the progress of this "mission high fashion" (MHF for short?) I'm eagerly awaiting this line to crash and burn because Pittsburgh is not exactly a high fashion area, unless you count black and gold (or black and yellow?) It is the proud land of Primantis sandwiches and french fries on salads and pizza dunked in ranch dressing. Which equals out to a bunch of fatasses in Steelers jerseys, Pirates hats, and sweat pants who wouldn't be able to stuff themselves into anything that was "runway inspired." But I wouldn't have it any other way... unless you threw some Pens attire in the mix.